


The Good One & The Bad One

by LemonKith



Category: Barenaked Ladies (Band)
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-14
Updated: 2017-08-14
Packaged: 2018-12-15 06:37:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 14,614
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11800494
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LemonKith/pseuds/LemonKith
Summary: Ever since Kevin went to sleep with that strange necklace last night it seems like he's everywhere today. It's almost as if there were two of him...





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The title of this fic is inspired by Kevin Hearn's solo song 'The Good One' on his album _H-Wing_ , although it has nothing to do with that song past that.  
> This story is set back in around 2001 because Kevin's personality then is more suitable for the story than his personality nowadays.
> 
> This is entirely meant to be just a bit of fun, but as it is real person fiction if anyone featured in this story or closely connected to them is uncomfortable with this please tell me and I'll take it down.

“What you got there, Kev?” Ed asked, towelling the stage-sweat from his face now they’d finally finished their third encore.

“A fan gave it to me at the end of the show, from the front row.” Kevin held up a pendant on the end of a necklace-length string. “She said it helps make decisions when you’re in two minds. Or something like that,” He smiled; “I couldn’t really hear. But it looks hand-made so it seemed rude not to take it.”

“Oh, that’s pretty neat.” Jim came over to examine it more closely. The pendant was a little person, a featureless human being with two wings, one angel-like, the other bat-like as on demons. “If you only took it to be polite, can I have it?”

“No way!” Kevin snatched it back. Like any young child, once someone else expressed an interest in it, “It’s mine!”

“All right, chill.” Jim held up his hands. “It just looked like the kind of thing Andy draws so I thought I’d give it to him.”

Kevin hmphed about that. “He only draws to imitate me.”

“You joined the band after him, Kev. And he’s drawn since long before that.”

“Yeah, well...” Kevin cast around for another sassy retort, “he’s younger than me!”

“Will you two stop it?” Ed was on too much of a high still to be angry with them.”Let’s just get back to the hotel and get some rest, okay?”

Both of them were more than fine with that.

-#-

Kevin breathed a great sigh as he faced the double bed in his hotel room.

All to himself!

Whatever angel had blessed him with this fluke of rooming he thanked. If it had taken selling his soul to a devil, he might have done so by this part of the tour when he was really craving some solitude.

A room where he could just flop backwards on a double bed and stare at the ceiling; God, being in this band lowered his desires down to trivial.

But this was no good; if he stayed here any longer he was going to fall asleep on top of the covers, all clothes and shoes still on. He couldn’t be having that. And heaven help him if his mother ever found out about it; she’d unleash all Hell on him..

So Kevin rolled himself heavily back off the bed, heading into the bathroom for a while and then returning to the bedroom.

His shoes came off, one then the other.

His two hands worked his shirt buttons loose, dropping his jeans to the floor as well.

In just his boxers, black and white cheques, Kevin slid under the hotel covers to get comfortable in the bed.

His getting comfortable was disturbed something though, something shiny that caught his eye on top of the covers. Reaching for it, Kevin found the two-winged necklace he’d been given earlier; it must have slipped from his pocket while he was lying on top of the bed.

He lay back now with it, holding it up above his gaze.

It remained oddly shiny considering he’d turned off the lights and shut the curtains. Maybe it was the material?

Somewhere during his meditations Kevin didn’t notice himself falling asleep, lay back in his little throne of pillows in the middle of the bed. He never even noticed when his arm dropped, letting the pendant rest against his bare chest right above his heart.

All Kevin was aware of that night was a very vivid, rather disturbing nightmare involving being chased by a giant pair of scissors. Since he woke up just as the scissors caught him, it couldn’t be anything serious though.


	2. Chapter 2

At 34 years old, Kevin Hearn had just reached that stage most people reach around 11 or 12 where they start wanting to sleep in instead of viewing sleep as a waste of time that could be spent playing.

He was only halfway into the stage currently though and so could be relied upon, even after staying up to 2am following a concert, to be up fresh and completely alert at 7am half of the time. It really depended on which half of him was in control.

This morning, the child-like early-riser half leapt out of bed with an unnatural level of energy just before 7am, no need even for an alarm. He made his way to the bathroom, humming and swinging his arms. That didn’t take long either before he re-emerged, heading now to his suitcase and pulling out clothes for the day. This part of Kevin loved to be awake early, ready to enjoy every part of the new day – The fact this part often needed a nap later in the afternoon was neither here nor there.

His clothes selected, a simple blue shirt and white shorts, Kevin pulled them on over his white boxers and left the room with a click of the door.

Back in the double bed, on the other side, the half of Kevin that hated getting up early twitched slightly.

He had awoken at the same time, just before 7, but with all these pillows it had been easy to shove his head under one and completely disappear beneath the covers. This part thought he had felt something, the draft of a door or window opening or closing, but the room was silent. A brief glower out from under the pillow proved all apertures into the room were still closed as well. He gave up and stuck his head back under the pillow.

-#-

“There you are, Kev,” Steve beckoned him over with his loaded plate to the band’s breakfast table. “Where have you been?”

“I went for a walk! It’s so lovely today, isn’t it?” Kevin dropped lightly into his seat.

“I guess.” It was standard mid-America weather; clear and not hot yet but bound to be later.

“Be careful with that stuff, Kev,” Ed advised him next, pointing a knife at Kevin’s cornucopic plate of fruits, yoghurt and honey. “And don’t come to me if you stain your shirt; Nat won’t let me near the washing machine anymore.”

“I’ll be fine!” Kevin picked up his delicate fruit cutlery, poking them playfully into the mix he’d collected and stirring it all up.

While the band got on asking Ed what he’d done to the Robertson family washing machine – “There’s too many damn compartments on that thing; if it cleans limescale out of the machine, why can’t it clean some grass stains off my jeans while it’s at it?” – Kevin’s attention was only on his plate. He was loving the sticky, gloopy mess he’d made and his new game of ‘Guess which fruit you’ve stuck your fork into’ now everything was just creamy-white lumps. It looked disgusting to the rest of the band but they’d learnt to let a Kevin do what it needs to do.

And they’d learnt to expect, even after giving it advice, a Kevin would still end up making a mess of anything it tried to do. “Oops.” Kevin looked down at the nice, new strawberry stain all down his shirt. Then he looked up at the others and grinned.

They just sighed.

“Finish your meal. I’ll take you down to laundry,” Tyler said.

“Thanks, Ty.”

“No problem; I’d been missing my kids lately,” he replied in a tone the others got but that sailed innocently over Kevin’s fluff-filled head.

-#-

Nearly one hour after he’d first awoken, Kevin groaned, grumbled and rolled his way out of bed. He stretched and scratched as he headed to the bathroom, noticing how his brief hermitic stint under the pillow had really mussed his hair up. Most of it would tame with a strong brushing but two stubborn curls refused gravity and stayed curled up, pointing towards each other on top of his head. In the end, Kevin grinned about them and went to find something to pull on over his black boxers.

Some black shorts and a black T-shirt with fire printed around the bottom later, Kevin strutted out from his hotel room, sunglasses on, to head down to the restaurant. He dropped the glasses briefly a couple of times to wink at a couple of other residents who gave him looks of interest as he passed but the rest of the world saw nothing except cool black.

He piled his plate with chocolate muffins and scrambled eggs, found a table to eat at alone and checked out the room while he ate. He tried to remember the schedule for today: They’d done the travelling last night and today’s venue was within walking distance of the hotel. Fin wanted them to stay in one of the two places or the area between all day since they weren’t sure exactly when the local radio was coming to interview them. Aside from that, they were free to wonder around and do whatever they pleased.

As Kevin finished up his third and final muffin, knowing and not caring it had left chocolate smeared around his mouth, he decided what his first action of the day was going to be then.

-#-

Laundry could throw Kevin’s shirt in with a wash and have it back to them before they left this city, sure. But they ideally needed it as soon as possible for that.

Kevin looked down at his shirt, the only shirt he had on, as they stood at the customer entrance to Laundry. He couldn’t take it off and be naked, but he needed to give it to Laundry.

Eventually Tyler sighed. “Take it off, Kev.” He took his own jacket off in a show of sympathy. “Wear this and I’ll take you back up to your room to change.”

“Oh! Thanks, Ty.” Kevin stripped off so eagerly the laundry clerk was left stiff with surprise and simply had the shirt draped on his out-held hand like a coat rack. The jacket slipped on easily enough in its place but soon Kevin was flapping it like cape around him. “It’s kind of big...”

“Stop complaining already.” Tyler grabbed his sacrificial jacket, managing to wrestle the two halves from Kevin to put together and zip, not that Kevin had much of a chest worth hiding anyway. “Thanks.” He nodded to the laundry guy and led Kevin away after letting him call his thanks too.

At worst, the clerk must just think Kevin had a developmental disability of some kind and Tyler was his carer. They’d dealt with worse assumptions about Kevin over the years.

Looking at him humming and skipping across the foyer though, fiddling with the zip on Tyler’s jacket so he could open it and play ‘Batman’ with the cape-like size of it, today Tyler wasn’t sure he shouldn’t be making such assumptions about Kevin. “You really are having one of your days, aren’t you, Kev?”

“Sure!” Kevin answered. “This day is going great for me so far!” He poked the elevator button with enthusiasm.

“No, I meant- Never mind.” As if the ride up in this little box wasn’t going to be long enough already...

By the time they had arrived at their floor Kevin had managed to unzip the jacket, Tyler had managed to zip it back up and now it looked like Kevin was just about to start the whole thing all over again if Tyler didn’t physically drag him back to his room. “You’re right next to me and Jim, right?”

“Mmhm.”

“Key?” Tyler asked when they got there.

Innocent blue eyes stared at him. Then that cute little mouth made an, “Oh! I knew I forgot something!”

“Oh God, why did I ever agree to- Come on.” Tyler dragged Kevin off again.

Tyler at least had the key to his room and since Jim was not that much bigger than Kevin, plus had an easy to open travel bag, Tyler let Kevin rifle through that to find something else to wear.

“This!” Kevin finally decided.

“Yeah, that’s fine.” It was a simple white shirt that was loose and floaty in shape.

“And this!” Kevin wasn’t done ransacking Jim yet.

“ _That_?” Tyler asked but Kevin was already putting it on. “Whatever. At least it stops Jim wearing it.”

Kevin called for a mirror. He wanted to see himself in the new white shirt, slightly big on him but only in the way of a child yet to grow fully into his clothes, and the pale yellow sweatband he’d also found. It perched on his head neatly, not pulled down tight but almost sort of floating on top of his hair instead. The perfect accessory, he felt for some reason.

From the bathroom doorway, Tyler just sighed.

-#-

Now done with breakfast, Kevin had returned to his room, let himself in with the key and begrudgingly wiped the chocolate from around his mouth. He had intended to get ready for the day but was much more interested in primping his hair again, although those two pointed curls still wouldn’t lie down, and pampering his pretty face.

He had no reason to change so spent his time at the window instead, looking out for a fun opportunity to strike.

He’d eaten enough that his eyes skimmed over the cafés and bakeries he could see – Though he stored their locations for later – and ended up settling on a dark, cosy-looking bookshop instead just across the way. It wasn’t technically in the area between the hotel and venue they were meant to stay in but bookshops were wholesome; Fin couldn’t tell him off for wanting to improve his mind.

Kevin left his room, slipping his sunglasses back on- “Wow. Wardrobe overhaul at all, Kev?” and glancing at Steve and Ed also leaving their room.

“It looks good on me,” Kevin smoothed down the shirt in a way that directed you to admire how well it fitted his slim figure. “Like what you see?”

“Shut up,” Ed laughed, playfully jostling him and throwing an arm around Kevin as they walked past. Kevin walked with them. “What are you doing with yourself this morning?”

“I saw a shop I wanna check out. You guys coming?”

Ed looked to Steve. Steve shrugged. “We were going to check out the venue but it’s not like there’d be anything to do. Sure.”

“Okay.” Kevin’s smile curled triumphantly and he led the way.

-#-

“Ty? Did you get Kevin-” Jim stopped and sighed at the front in sight of him. “Just get them back to me without any stains, okay?”

Kevin nodded happily, still enjoying the sweatband perched on his head. He was sat on the end of Jim’s bed while Tyler was buried in his luggage trying to find some shoes. “You wanna come with us to check the venue out, Jim?”

“Yeah, okay.” It was getting almost amusing how taken Kevin was with the sweatband. It beat watching Tyler’s ass shake around as he searched at least. “Is Kev coming?”

“I don’t know. Are you, Kev?” Tyler asked.

Kevin stopped poking at the sweatband. “Am I what?”

“On planet Earth at all this morning, Jesus Christ...” Tyler started cursing, and not because his shoes has somehow become separated in his bag.

So they could ignore the undercurrent of profanity, “So, why are you in my shirt?” Jim asked Kevin.

“Tyler said I could.”

“I meant why aren’t you in one of your own?”

“Oh! Lost my room key.” He beamed about it.

Jim sighed fondly. “I guess we’d better stop off at reception along the way.”

Once Tyler had found two of his trainers that looked close enough to the same, the three headed down to the front desk to pick up a spare room key for Kevin. The receptionist also helpfully informed them the other three members of their group had headed out a little while ago, talking about the local shops.

“Other three?” Tyler asked.

“Must mean Fin,” Jim guessed, since he’d been with them to help sign in last night. “I guess if he’s gone out shopping we must have some time before any interviews.”

“Wanna hit the shops too?”

“Yeah,” Jim said.

“Yeah!” Kevin cheered.

The other two took up a position either side of Kevin for safety and let him lead the way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologise if it gets confusing switching between the two Kevins at any point. I hope it's obvious enough from the context but otherwise, if there's a section break then it probably means a Kevin-switch as well.  
> If you can't tell from the symbolism of the yellow sweatband/curled hair, this story was inspired by the whole angel on one shoulder, devil on the other concept and what Kevin's would be like.


	3. Chapter 3

“A bookshop, Kev?” Ed followed the two more bookish members in nonetheless, looking up as the bell above the door tinkled shut.

“Yeah. Need something entertaining for those long stretches of interstate.”

“I’m with you on that,” Steve agreed, instantly deviating off to the big-boy books towards the back.

Kevin stayed lingering around the fiction and comic area, something Ed could get in on. The books didn’t seem to be pleasing Kevin, given how many he was putting back as soon as he’d pulled them down and read the blurb, but Ed was soon too buried amongst old Fantastic Four issues to notice.

It was only the sound of Steve’s voice after a while, talking biographies and politics with another customer, that brought Ed back. Kevin was gone but Steve was nearby, gradually moving into an argument with the rather conservative old man he’d encountered. Ed knew when it was time to intervene, “Found what you want, Steve?”

Steve cut his baby-tirade off, simply shooting the old man a bit of a frown. The old man frowned back at both of them, seeming to recognise something in Ed – Although maybe it was just the mini-mohawk doing its usual work.

“Man, that’s the one thing I hate about coming down here to the States,” Steve said as Ed encouraged him to walk away.

“The _one_ thing?”

“Okay. One of the _many_ things,” Steve corrected with a smile. “Where’d Kevin go?”

“I don’t know. He wandered out of fiction at some point.”

“You can say that again...” Steve muttered, looking around. “I’ll go find him. You stay here.” He left his chosen books with Ed and wove his way into the back of the store. For a decent-sized guy, Steve sure could weave.

Ed took a look through the books Steve had left behind – Politics, environment, something on Swing music, medieval cookery- “Those Steve’s books?”

“Gah! Holy smokes, Kev!” Ed narrowly avoided a bunch of very heavy non-fiction colliding with one of his feet. “Where’d you get to?”

Kevin smiled _that smile_. “There’s a back section.”

“Yeah, Steve just went there to find you.”

“No. A _back section_.” Kevin held up, discreetly, something with a cover that made Ed blush.

“They sell por- What are you doing with that, Kev?!”

“Don’t worry. Just hold still.” Oh God, Kevin Hearn saying that to you with one of his sly, devil smiles on whilst holding porn was a terrifying sight. Even more so when the porn came towards you, even if its eventual destination was inside Steve’s medieval cookery book.

“What are you doing?! If Steve finds that- Or if the shopkeeper sees-”

“There you are!” Steve came suddenly back. “Why didn’t you tell me you’d found him, Ed?”

“I only found him two seconds ago; that’s not even enough time to yell.”

“We’re telepathic, aren’t we?” Steve smiled, taking the books from Ed.

Ed tried to resist but after Kevin had made him nearly lose his grip on the stack he wasn’t able to stop Steve taking them without the whole lot ending up on the floor. “Telepathic, huh?” He really hoped Steve could hear what he was warning right now.

“Well, someone’s been putting thoughts in my head. And if it’s not you then I don’t know who I’ve been having mind-sex with for the past month.” Steve had all the books now. He could have noticed the addition if he just looked down.

“Probably Jim,” Kevin spoke up though, smirking, “the way he twists himself up like a TV aerial.”

“All that clear-mind meditation can’t be good for keeping his thoughts in there.” Now Steve and Kevin were walking towards the counter. Ed rushed to put his comics back and get there in time but-

Oh God, there were fans in the store. Young women fawning over the two sensitive members of the band while the owner started scanning Steve’s books. And from the way Kevin was introducing them by name to Steve-

“Um, Sir.” Everyone turned to the bookshop owner. “Would you like me to get a separate bag for this?” He was holding up the porn mag; Ed was too late. “We have plain ones for this kind of material.”

Steve was gawping. So were the women. Only Ed could see the smug, satisfied grin Kevin was barely containing on his face. “T-That’s not mine!” Steve finally thought to deny.

“It was among your books.”

“Well, I didn’t put it there!”

“You were just talking about ‘bare naked ladies’ though,” the owner said.

“That’s the name of my band! I wasn’t- I’m not-” Steve looked between all of them, particularly the fans now staring and attempting to back away. “I don’t want that! It’s in there by mistake!”

The owner hesitated, moving to put it aside. “If you’re sure, Sir.”

“Yes, I’m sure!”

“Really?” Kevin chimed up, sly amusement in his voice. “It does get awfully lonely on the road, Steve.”

The fans giggled. They were whispering to each other and blushing, then running away at the furious expression overtaking Steve’s face. “ **You** did this!”

Kevin instantly backed up, whole face and body language morphing to complete innocence. “What?! No!”

“Don’t screw with me, Kev! You are so fucking childish!” Making sure to push past close enough to give Kevin a good shove, Steve stormed out of the shop with only an angry tinkle as a goodbye.

Ed stepped up in his place, saying he’d take the books – But not the porn – and shooting Kevin a disapproving look.

Kevin maintained his innocent face but a long enough frown and it cracked back into a self-amused grin. Kevin laughed without shame once Ed had finished paying for Steve’s purchases and the porn had been put away.”That’ll give the message boards something to talk about,” Kevin mused, still snickering.

“You really pissed Steve off, you know.” Ed led them out.

Kevin shrugged and followed. “It was funny.”

“Not to Steve. And everyone’s close enough to snapping at this point of the tour anyway.” Kevin’s only response was a nonchalant putting of his hands behind his head as he walked. “You’re a walking disaster zone today...” Ed muttered.

“I’ll take my disasters somewhere else then-”

“Oh no you don’t.” Ed grabbed the back of Kevin’s black T-shirt, yanking him back with superior strength. “You’re staying right where I can see you for the rest of today.” He forced the bag of books into Kevin’s hands, to make him useful and/or anchor him somewhere observable.

Kevin looked at the bag, at Ed, and then smiled. “Oh yeah?” He threw the bag in one direction into the road then ran off in the other.

Ed stood stunned for a moment before he thought to dive into the road to avoid a accident being caused. He couldn’t run after Kevin once he’d rescued them, just yell, “DAMN IT! GET BACK HERE, YOU DEVIL!”


	4. Chapter 4

All 5-year-olds hate clothes shopping.

A 34-year-old with the mind of a 5-year-old is apparently no different.

“For God’s sake, Kev, it’s not like we dragged you in here,” Tyler complained, since Kevin had done enough complaining at him.

“I know but you want me to get something new and I like what I have.” That was Kevin’s argument and he was sticking to it. “I’ve not grown out of it; why do I have to get new things?”

“Well, if you’re going to keep spilling food on your clothes,” Jim said, eyeing his shirt on Kevin, “it would do you good to have some more spares.”

“I have plenty of spares.” He dropped onto a small, poufy seat. “All these clothes look the same anyway...”

“What kind of clothes do you want?” Tyler asked. “Bright green ones?”

“With fishnet mesh?”

“And crotchless chaps?”

Jim gave Tyler an odd look for taking it too far. Or, looking at Kevin’s face, maybe giving him ideas. “That would be kind of cool...”

“No it wouldn’t,” Jim insisted, hauling the other man back to his feet. “But I’ll let you go take a look in the section over there after if you behave.”

Tyler looked where Jim was pointing. “That’s the wome- Yeah, we’ll take you over there if you behave, Kev.” He shared a sly smirk.

One Kevin totally missed. “Okay, but only because there’s some nice pink stuff I can see.”

Despite his words, ten minutes later Kevin was back to dragging his feet and refusing to engage with any discussion about if this shirt made Tyler look fat and what-do-you-mean-just-shows-off-the-fact-I- _am_ -fat? The other two were only joking around, barely having any intention to actually buy anything, but Kevin was bringing that down like a walking funeral.

He didn’t seem actually opposed to the idea of shopping, and had been very enthusiastic at first. He just seemed to have burnt through all his energy, turning sullenly tired as he sat on every available surface, even the floor at one point. “Do you need something to eat, Kev?” Jim finally guessed.

“You did end up putting half your breakfast on your shirt instead of in your mouth,” Tyler agreed.

“Can we go get something to eat?” The idea alone had their little grump perking up; that must be the problem.

“I’m not really hungry,” Jim said, “and Tyler needs to pay for this,” Tyler had found a Hawaiian shirt that hopefully didn’t make him look like a fat party animal, and if it did it was going straight into Steve’s luggage instead, “so why don’t you go get something yourself?”

“Okay!” Kevin was up on his feet and away before Tyler could finish asking, “Are you sure it’s a good idea to let him go off by himself today?”

Kevin bounced out of the stuffy clothing shop, only briefly regretting that nice, pink section Jim hadn’t gotten around to taking him to since the clothes had looked like cotton candy over there. Maybe he could get cotton candy around here somewhere. Or just candy would be good enough; he already had a cotton shirt on.

His tangential wonderings took him off in whatever direction his feet chose to walk. None of the shops he passed by mattered unless they had something edible or brightly coloured in the window. When he finally found one that was both, Kevin couldn’t resist going in.

A good 20, maybe 25, minutes later there had been so much to choose from, Kevin left the bakery with what was called a rainbow box, seven different cookies with seven different flavours, and a couple of warm cinnabuns to go.

He already had his mouth buried halfway through the first one when he stopped and realised he totally wasn’t within the area Fin had told them to stay within today. Where was the area again? He wasn’t even sure which way he had come from.

Kevin’s worries about upsetting the almighty Fin were so great that he had only managed another two mouthfuls of cinnabun by the time he saw, “S’eve!”

From the lonely bench at the side of the street Steve looked up. He frowned at seeing Kevin but couldn’t resist settling for confusion as the other man approached. “What’s up with you?”

Kevin paused, licking the flakes off his lips thoughtfully. This cinnabun was nearly done but the other one was still complete, warm and ready to eat in its little bag. Since Steve seemed upset, “Here.”

Steve eyed the bag he was being offered suspiciously but it didn’t have the room to be hiding any malicious surprises this time. He supposed he’d take it, “Thanks,” and didn’t bother to stop Kevin sitting down beside him. “I must have been brooding out here for ages,” he said, looking at Kevin’s clothes. “Anyway, don’t worry about earlier; I guess it was kind of funny actually.”

Kevin looked down at his chest, where the strawberry stains had been earlier, and smiled. “Yeah, it was.”

Steve ate his cinnabun quietly.

Kevin soon finished his. Without something to occupy his mouth, he had nothing to keep him quiet. “Do you know the way back to where we’re meant to be?” he asked.

“Got lost, hey?” Steve chuckled. “Yeah, sure. I came out here so no one would find me but I guess no plan ever goes right with you around.”

Kevin smiled as if that was a compliment.

“So, you went back to the hotel or something?” Steve asked next.

Kevin shook his head. “Jim and Ty took me out clothes shopping. It was boring.”

“You went shopping? How long was I out here?” Steve consulted his watch. It said only half an hour had passed since he left the bookshop. “Damn thing must be running slow again... What time do you make it, Kev?”

Kevin looked at him innocently, and the half a cinnabun Steve still had left. “Snacktime?”

Steve laughed. “Never mind; looks like you forgot to put your watch back on when you changed.” Kevin inspected his wrist, finding it bare. “Do you know where Ed went?”

“Ed?” Kevin made a thinking-hard face. It somewhat resembled Winnie-the-Pooh’s. “Mmm... ...No,” he finally decided.

“You could have just said...” Shaking his head, “You wanna head back to the hotel? Ed might have gone there,” Steve stood up to lead the way.

Kevin didn’t care about Ed but, “The hotel would be good; I want to put these cookies away.”

The box around them was rainbow-coloured too. “For someone gay?” Steve joked.

“They’re for me,” Kevin said proudly.

“Like I said,” Steve laughed and they set off.


	5. Chapter 5

Jim and Tyler had stopped to pick up a local newspaper and do a little people-watching when they were spotted from afar.

Their spotter started sneaking up slyly, acting nonchalant as he approached from an angle they couldn’t see from their bench. There was enough space to get behind them and enough ambient noise to do so silently.

An arm reached out, waiting then suddenly grabbing Tyler’s shoulder.

This Kevin must have not got the part of the brain that remembered Tyler came third in the Ontario 1977 Judo competition and yelped as he was grabbed and dragged forward. Thankfully Tyler stopped short of flipping him over the bench but still slammed Kevin pretty hard into the back of it. “Oh jeez! Sorry, Kev.”

Kevin was too winded and busy coughing to reply.

“Well, that’s what you get for trying to sneak up on me,” Tyler continued more light-heartedly.

They let him get his breath back before Jim asked, “So what happened to my clothes? What did you stain them with this time?”

Kevin looked bemused. Then his face curled into a smirk. “Staining your clothes? I thought we were going to keep our nighttime sexcapades a secret, Jimmy.”

Jim blushed while Tyler laughed it up. “Wh-What happened to my shirt, Kevin?” Jim insisted.

Kevin frowned at the shirt Jim was currently wearing; nothing seemed different about it. The only other shirt of Jim’s he had handled recently was when Jim’s plague of untidiness had finally become an epidemic and Fin had ordered the tour bus be cleaned up. “I gave it to Laundry,” Kevin said, as he had a week ago. Had Jim still not got it back?

Jim sighed. “Freakin’... Well, at least you picked something that won’t show stains this time,” he said, looking at the choice of black.

“Not aside from semen stains,” Kevin smirked again.

“Did you borrow that lot from Tyler and now it’s infecting your brain or something?!” Jim asked.

“I’m just feeling _horny_ ,” Kevin wrapped a finger in one of the curls on his head that wouldn’t stay down.

Tyler finally stopped laughing at all this to speak, “Oh man, I hope you keep this up tonight, Kev; I always love it when you get like this on stage.”

“Stop encouraging him, Ty!”

“Aw, is Creeggie embarrassed because he’s a prude?” Kevin poked a finger into Jim’s cheek.

“Knock it off!”

Kevin kept poking. Jim kept trying to be civil about it but eventually snapped, giving up and walking away. He was heading in the direction of the hotel, probably specifically Laundry.

Tyler watched him go then looked at Kevin still smirking about it. “Whatever you ate, I think you ate too much of it, Kev.”

“I only ate some scrambled eggs,” Kevin admittedly honestly, leaving out the three chocolate muffins.

“Where’d you get- Never mind.” Tyler folded up his newspaper, shaking it lightly. “What do you want to do now? I didn’t get any ideas from this thing.”

Kevin shrugged, watching the people walking by at crotch and butt height.

“There’s nothing good to do in this stupid area Fin wants us to stay in,” Tyler complained. “I wanna at least, I don’t know, go find somewhere we can play air hockey or something.”

“We could leave the area, you know,” Kevin said slyly.

Tyler laughed. “Go AWOL on Fin?”

“Just for a while.”

Tyler looked left and right down the street, “Why not? The radio station’s probably not going to interview us anyway.”

“ ** _Actually_** ,” Both Kevin and Tyler jumped, and maybe yelped, at the sound of Fin’s voice right behind them, “the interview’s at 3.” The two Ladies looked back guiltily. “Going somewhere?” Fin asked as he leant down over them both.

“Um, no,” Tyler said.

“It was Tyler’s idea,” Kevin said.

“Wasn’t, you little tattle-! Wait, if the interview’s at 3pm then why does it matter if we go wander off now?”

“Because you lose yourself as easily as you lose your house keys,” Fin told Tyler, “and 20% of the time you go into one of your ‘moods’ and forget which planet you’re on, let alone what time it is,” he told Kevin. “The others I might trust but not you two.”

“Gee thanks, Fin,” Tyler said.

Kevin didn’t say anything. He’d already run away while Tyler was objecting. “Damn it, Hearn!” Fin called after him, playing along.

Kevin paused, turning and giving Fin the middle finger in the middle of the street before smirking and running off again, sunglasses making him look a lot more badass than a rather scrawny guy pelting it down a high street normally would.

“Hey, that was uncalled for. Can you go get him, Tyler?” Fin asked. “Because the interview’s at 3 we have to do half of soundcheck beforehand and Ned Kelly over there,” He pointed a thumb after Kevin, “won’t know that now.”

“Sure. Who’s Ned Kelly?”

“Go learn some Australian history while you’re at it,” Fin told him, going off to be all manager-y and busy.

-#-

Steve entered the hotel with Kevin in tow, trying to devise some sort of human collar and leash system that wouldn’t look embarrassing for the both of them – Or himself at least – to put the wandering puppy-brain on. “Kevin, hotel?” Steve gestured. “You wanted to put your cookies away, remember?”

“...Oh yeah!” Kevin remembered now, heading towards the elevator.

Waiting for one to descend, when the doors opened both sides jumped as Ed came face-to-face with them stepping out. “There _you_ are!” He went to grab Kevin who hid behind Steve. “I just put your books away in your room, minus Kevin’s addition,” he explained to Steve. “What are you doing with him?”

“Planning to enter Crufts once I’ve housebroken him,” Steve joked as Kevin peered out, looking a bit confused. “It’s okay, Ed. I’m over it.” He waved the whole porn-matter off. “Thanks for picking up the books for me.”

“No trouble. What about you though, huh?” He jabbed Kevin with a finger. “I nearly got run over thanks to you.”

“Me?” Kevin asked innocently.

“Yeah, when you- When did you change your shirt?” Ed suddenly realised now Kevin wasn’t hiding behind Steve.

“Jim and Tyler took him clothes shopping,” Steve answered for him.

“That quickly? Well, whatever. At least you seem to have calmed down now,” Ed supposed, master of just letting things roll. “What have you got there, Kev?”

“Rainbow cookies.” Kevin showed him proudly.

“Who are they for?”

“Me.”

Ed opened his mouth. Steve gave him a look that told him he’d already made that joke.

“Let’s go put them away before we miss another elevator,” Steve said, since the one Ed had stepped out of had been called back up to a higher floor. “Come on, you,” he dragged Kevin to use the stairs and get some exercise after the cinnabuns they had eaten.

Ed watched them both go, mind wandering off as he tried to process Kevin today – Kevin tended to have that effect on minds after all, though normally it didn’t extend past his own – He startled out of it when he heard, “Ed?” and got tapped on the shoulder from behind.

“Oh, Jim.” For it was he. “What are you doing here?”

“Trying to get my shirt back from laundry. Apparently Kevin gave it to them for some reason.”

“Kevin? Wait, that was _your_ shirt this morning? Why was Kevin wearing your shirt so early in the morning, Jim?” Ed smirked.

“Stop it.” Jim was not amused. “I got enough of that from Kevin. And no, not the one he was wearing at breakfast. He borrowed one of mine after that because he’d lost his room key.”

Ed spent a minute getting this straight: So the black one earlier must have been Jim’s shirt and Kevin had stained it so put on the white shirt- “Wait, he lost his room key?” Ed suddenly asked. “Steve and I saw him coming out of his room earlier before we went into town with him.”

“Before _you_  went into town with him?” Jim knitted his eyebrows too. “No, Kevin went into town with Tyler and me this morning.”

“He came to the bookshop with us and put porn in one of Steve’s books.”

“No, we took him clothes shopping and- Wait, he did what to Steve’s books?”

Ed was too distracted to answer that. “Maybe he ran back here and went out with them after-” Then he was distracted again, this time by his phone. Pulling it from his pocket, Ed had a text from Fin:

‘Got interview details. Come meet me by the news stand on the way to the venue.’

“Hey, how come Fin didn’t also text me?” Jim asked, a little irked as he pulled out his phone, checking for- “Oh, it’s not on.”

“Idiot.” Jim had one too when he turned it on, so did everyone probably. “Shall we head over first then?”

“No point waiting. Where’s the news stand?” Jim asked.

“I don’t know. Let’s go find it.”

-#-

Out on the streets, having fun being where he wasn’t meant to be, Kevin felt a fun, little vibration in his pocket. It was just a text from Fin, “Delete,” and then Kevin continued on his way.

-#-

Back at the hotel, Steve also received a buzz but Kevin didn’t. After checking the message, “Don’t you have your phone, Kev?”

“Um... I guess not!” Kevin said cheerfully.

“Jeez. Why don’t you find it while I take a leak and then we’ll head over, okay?”

“Okay!” Kevin pootered off to his bag to start searching while Steve headed into the bathroom.

After Steve had been, and remembered for once to wash his hands afterwards, he came back out to find, “Kevin? Kev?” Steve stood in the room looking around. Then he put his hands on his hips with a strong, petulant sigh. “Aw man. I can take my eyes off my kids longer than I can take them off him.”

Leaving Kevin’s room, Steve checked the other Ladies’ rooms, knocking on their doors and calling Kevin’s name. No one answered either one, or the ones he knew for certain were BNL crew members.

A woman he didn’t know came up the stairs at that point, right when he was giving up on Kevin. “Um, hey did you see a...” Steve hesitated on describing Kevin today. “My friend on your way up? Brown hair, white shirt, most girls think he’s cute?”

“There was someone like that in the lobby,” she said. “He had a yellow ring thing on his head.”

“That’s him! Thanks!”

Steve set off downstairs to the lobby as quickly as he could – Which meant using the elevator in his case – to find Kevin before he managed to get himself even more lost today.

-#-

“Is that it?” Jim asked, pointing.

“I don’t know. It’s not a news stand but it’s got Fin standing by it.”

“Fin!” Jim yelled to him, just checking it was him.

Fin waved them over to the- “This is a souvenir stand, Fin, not a news stand,” Ed pointed out the knick-knacks, local attraction magazines and postcards. There was a ridiculous one with Starsky and Hutch chimpanzees on it.

“News, souvenirs – What’s the difference?”

“Well, we saw this down the street then went the other way because we didn’t think it was a news stand, that’s what the difference is,” Ed argued.

“But it’s- Oh whatever. Be pedantic. I’m too busy trying to organise you five into something one step above a wandering circus.”

Speaking of that, “Where are the other guys?” Jim asked.

“Steve was upstairs in the hotel helping Kevin put something away,” Ed answered.

“Wait, Kevin?” Fin groaned. “Damn it, he ran back there?! I sent Tyler after him because he flipped me off and ran away before I could tell him about this earlier.”

“Steve took him back to the hotel because he had a big box of cookies to put away and was being all air-headed,” Ed offered, trying to make them all less confused.

“Well, he was being an asshole to me,” Fin muttered. “Trust him to want to run off to buy cookies though.”

“He spilt something on my shirt too less than an hour after borrowing it,” Jim added. “I say we tie him to a chair somewhere once we do find him.”

“I second that,” Fin said strongly. “I regret ever letting you guys have a free day today, or Kevin at least- That’s it,” their tour manager decided; “you’re all confined to the venue for the rest of the day, or at least until I’ve got you all in one place again to tell you about the interview.”

“So wait, are we meant to be finding Kevin or being grounded?” Ed asked.

“Find Kevin first, then go to the venue with him and stay there until everyone’s there,” Fin commanded. “Ed, you go back and get Steve and Kevin. Jim, I’m not sure if Tyler got my text so go find him.” Fin gave directions on where, and Jim knew after he’d been in that area earlier. Then he clapped his hand directorially, both Ladies gave him a dry frown, and they dispersed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That thing about Tyler being a Judo pro is true!


	6. Chapter 6

Did Steve find Ed, or did Ed find Steve? They started arguing about that upon meeting for three whole minutes until Ed asked, “Wait, where’s Kevin?”

“I don’t know, that’s why I’m looking for him.”

“You lost him?!”

“He lost himself!”

Ed slapped a hand into his face and sighed, then explained to Steve their task from Fin. A task which Steve summarised as, “So Kevin got us grounded?”

“Pretty much.”

“Let’s drag him there by his feet when we find him,” Steve proposed.

“I’m with you there. Come on.”

So far Steve had asked around the lobby and learnt Kevin had been seen leaving at a sauntering pace, bumping into a couple of people as he enjoyed the pretty patterns on the walls. Past that, no one knew what had happened to him.

“All right, so,” Ed had insisted, based on watching too many detective shows, on retracing Kevin’s steps, “he came out here then...” They looked around, stood on the stone steps in front of the hotel. “He ate just a while ago so he can’t have gone looking for food.”

“Given the state he was in earlier, pretty things are probably our best bet,” Steve said. “Pretty, sparkly, rainbow-coloured things- God, if there’s a gay pride parade on. Let’s see what the message boards would make of that.”

While Steve was making his vengeful jokes, Ed had walked down the steps trying to simulate Kevin-vision to identify what he would have locked onto. The park maybe? Or those bright-coloured clothing shops? He could have followed those traffic cones over there if he was feeling in an orange mood. How were they meant to guess?

“Ed?” Steve pointed to a wall near the hotel door, a brightly-coloured poster stuck on it. One for a children’s art exhibition featuring artwork from Dr. Seuss, Disney and countless other child favourites, plastered with a new sign that loudly screamed ‘Final day, half-price admission!’

They only had to share the shortest glance to know Kevin couldn’t be anywhere else.

-#-

 

“Tyler!” Jim finally stopped running, arriving at his band mate’s side as Tyler stood at a small pedestrian intersection scowling and scaring small children that were walking nearby. “What are you glaring about, man? Stop scaring people.”

“I’m trying to find Kevin. That motherfucker keeps waiting ‘til I spot him and then running off before I can catch him. He’s doing it deliberately!” Tyler explained at a volume that was scaring people again.

“Chill, Ty! He went back to the hotel.”

“HE WHAT?!”

Jim leant back from the explosive shout. “Calm. Deep breaths.” Tyler scowled at him to drop that and get on with it. “He went back to the hotel a while ago to put some cookies away or something. Steve and Ed are with him.”

“I just saw him two minutes ago standing right here,” Tyler said, pointing at the intersection and the large crowds milling about to disappear amongst. “I’ve been following him for the past half an hour at least or something.”

“Did he ever disappear for a while?” Jim asked, a bit confused.

“No. I’m telling you, he’s baiting me for shits and giggles. I’ve seen him at least every five minutes, he makes sure of that.” Jim frowned, looking around; this area was much further than a simple five minutes from the hotel. “If I lose him too long he deliberately reappears to taunt me.”

Jim was still hung up figuring out this whole hotel-or-here thing, let alone spotting Kevin. Either way, they had to get back to the venue and Kevin had to. If he had somehow escaped Ed and Steve, which he seemed in the naughty mood to today, then they had best find him first and take him with them.

“Jim,” Tyler said softly and suddenly. “Don’t turn around.”

“Um, why?” Jim asked nervously.

“Kevin’s behind you down the street. I’m pretending I’m don’t see him yet and I don’t think he’s onto me. I’m tired from running after him but you’re faster than me anyway. Think you can run and get him?”

“Where is he?” Jim asked, nonchalantly looking off in another direction.

“If you spin 180 he’ll be on your right-hand side down the street, about 200 metres away.”

“200 metres! I can’t run him down before he’ll get away at that distance, Ty,” Jim objected, trying to visualise the street behind him from memory.

“He appeared out of some sort of indoor shopping street – You know what I mean – so I bet he’ll run back in there. Maybe if it’s only got one other entrance one of us could go around the corner and cut him off,” Tyler proposed, his gaze focussed down a street that might lead to another entrance.

“Wait, is the architecture, like, green and Victorian? I think I might have seen that on the way here.”

“Think you could get back there quick?”

“Yeah, it curves round a bit towards us. Stay here and pretend to check your phone or something.” Jim made a show of mild despair and walked off back in the direction he’d come, not looking in Kevin’s direction.

Once he was out of sight, he started running.

Once Jim started running, Tyler spent ten more seconds on his phone, pretending to be typing something and then looked directly up right at Kevin, signalling he was spotted.

From a distance, Kevin was definitely smirking or smiling – Likely smirking in his current mood – for the brief second before he ran back into the shopping tunnel and Tyler made pursuit. So long as there wasn’t a third entrance...

Jim, thinking the same, came to a stop outside the other end and managed to engage a couple of women walking out with shopping bags to ask, “Hey, I’m a little lost. Is this a straight tunnel with only two exits?” He gestured at the tunnel.

“Yep. Just two,” they told him and walked on.

In that case, presuming Tyler had been sensible enough to cover the other end, they knew where Kevin was now.

-#-

“So he’s in here?” Steve asked, folding their quickly purchased tickets and ignoring the look they had been given by the admission clerk at two grown men wanting to go into a children’s art exhibit by themselves.

“Almost definitely,” Ed said. “The question is how we find him though.”

“Hmm...” Though they could see over the kids, most of the kids had parents blocking their view. The exhibit also spanned multiple rooms; Kevin might be in any of them. “KEVIN!” Steve yelled, utilising the fact they looked like parents searching for a lost child.

“HERE!” A small boy’s voice yelled back, waving across the room. His mother gave the two an odd look and hurried the other Kevin away.

Despite the failure in execution, “MARCO!” Ed yelled out, seeing promise in the idea.

“POLO!” Half the room, the younger half, called back.

He sighed. “We need something only Kevin will answer,” Ed said. In the weird mood he was in today, Kevin would almost certainly call back to play along.

“‘Hearn’?” Steve proposed.

“What would he answer with?”

“Hmm... ‘Mothball’ and ‘Mint’?”

“Better,” Ed admitted, “but I’d feel kind of weird yelling ‘Mothball’ really loud if no one answered.”

“Yeah,” Steve said, making a tiny and nervous laugh as he thought about it himself. On stage would be different but in an art gallery, even if it was a very noisy one. “One of his song titles off that? Do you know any?”

“Um... He had one called ‘Glowworm’ or something? Jim told me Andy was on that- Oh! And Sean Cullen was on one called... um... No,” Ed admitted. “We’re not very good friends, are we?”

“With you I could just yell ‘Chickity’,” Steve commented, amusing himself.

“Maybe something like that? Like ‘Birchmount Stadium’- No, that’d be weird to yell too...”

Steve groaned, rubbing his nose beneath his glasses. “What’s that stupid, little alien planet he always talks about?”

“Alien planet?”

“You know. He always talks about one stupid planet name that has a number after it or something. All his aliens are from there.”

“Oh, Zignon 5?” Ed knew that. “I guess ‘Zignon’ sounds kind of like a kid’s name.”

“You wanna try it?” Steve offered, or perhaps challenged.

Ed stepped up, giving a little nod of his head. “ZIGNON!”

...Nothing.

“Should we try another room?” Ed asked.

“Well, we didn’t get too many weird looks this time so sure,” Steve said, following Ed’s lead into the next exhibit room.

Three rooms later, “ZIGNON!”

“FIVE!” Kevin’s voice!

“It worked!” Ed cheered, jumping a little and not caring about the weird looks now. “Come on!” They raced to cross the room without ploughing through too many children in their path. It was slow progress though, and by the time they reached where they thought Kevin had been, “Zignon!” Ed called a bit quieter, only reaching half the room this time.

“Five!” Kevin yelled back, from a different place entirely.

“Damn it,” Ed cussed. “I think he thinks we’re playing a game now.”

“Great going, Edward.”

“This was your idea, Steven. You started it yelling- Oh, let’s just find him already.”

After another fruitless 15 minutes getting somehow completely evaded by Kevin in this single room, and confusing a large number of children and particularly parents in the process, suddenly Zignon 5 stopped responding.

“Where’d he go?” Steve asked as Ed’s shout faded without reply.

“I don’t know. Maybe he got bored?” Since he was being like a child in every other way. “The last one came from over there.” Ed pointed across the room.

“What about in there?” Steve pointed near Ed’s point at something like curtains. “That’s a door, isn’t it?”

“Let’s try it.”

Beyond the light blue curtain – Or looking-glass as it was probably meant to be – was a dark exhibit room dedicated to the two Alice stories by Lewis Carroll, everything from Tenniel’s original art to the Disney film and more.

“Down the rabbit hole then,” Steve murmured as Ed started again.

“ZIGNON!”

“FIVE!”

Definitely in here, though where was even more of a guess in the darkness between the isolated spotlights on each piece of art.

“Stay here,” Ed decided, instructing Steve. “I’ll go find if there’s another exit to this room so we can trap him.”

“Got it.”

It was a boring time for Steve, trying to make out either Ed or Kevin whilst waiting by the door without blocking it for all the children and parents trying to come in. He had to move away from it to not feel creepy but that made it harder to check. Not many people were exiting this way though.

A few shouts of “ZIGNON!” later, it sounded as Ed was now in a static position on the other side of the room. Kevin was somewhere in the centre, yelling, “FIVE!” back playfully, but not moving towards either end. He seemed to know their game and had now switched his own to be hide-and-seek.

Steve felt a buzz in his pocket, pulling out his phone to find a text from Ed.

‘Any luck?’

‘None.’ Steve texted back. Then he realised, ‘Kev was finding his phone when I lost him. I’ll call it.’

A quick call and...

...Nothing?

Kevin might have it set to silent, or maybe the idiot had wandered off without finding it.

‘Well?’ Ed had texted him.

‘I tried. Nothing.’ Steve texted back. Kevin was still in the room though. Maybe they’d have to play him at his game of hide-and-seek and hope he didn’t escape.

Or maybe they could just wait until there was a loud thump of someone collapsing and a couple of kids screaming in the middle of the room, from roughly where they had last heard Kevin yell.

Steve and Ed moved in without thinking, some sort of psychic connection after so many improvised songs on stage, knowing it was Kevin they’d find collapsed underneath Humpty Dumpty’s wall. “Kev? Kev!” Ed crouched, shaking him. Kevin was out cold though, completely unresponsive.

And then, after a couple of seconds’ panic, he came back round just fine. “Aw, you found me! Okay, your turn to hide now.”

“Are you okay, Kev?” Ed asked, supporting him though Kevin sat up now easily under his own strength. “You just passed out.”

“Did I?” Kevin asked innocently. “I was hiding behind the wall and then... Then you found me.”

Steve and Ed shared a look. But maybe this wasn’t the best place to discuss it anyway. “Fin wants us all at the venue right now. Are you going to come with us?”

“Sure!” Kevin said, practically jumping back up to his feet. “Is it lunchtime yet?”

“What was all that about?” Steve asked Ed as they found their way back to an exit.

“I don’t know,” Ed admitted. “But I think he lost his marbles long before he head-dived the floor.”

“Oh, definitely.” Steve stepped up, taking one of Kevin’s hands to lead him out safely like all the other parents with a wandering child.

-#-

Jim waited a while until eventually he saw Kevin running towards him down the tunnel. Upon Kevin seeing him, their prey skidded to a stop and doubled back round the bend in the tunnel. Jim followed, drifting towards the side that would let him see round the bend best but could see neither Kevin or the other entrance from here.

He could move forward and try to find Kevin, but if Kevin was hiding in a shop and got past him who knew if he’d continue this taunting game instead of disappearing for good now it was stacked two against one and probably not as much fun for him.

Jim got a buzz in his pocket as he was waiting, a text from Tyler asking if he’d got Kevin. Hopefully that meant Tyler was still in position at the other end, something Jim was counting on as he backed up to his entrance and texted back, ‘No. He saw me and ran back. I think he’s hiding in the middle. Let’s sweep in. Check the shops.’

Jim waited for Tyler’s, ‘Okay,’ figuring that so long as he was here, even if they hadn’t caught Kevin at least they hadn’t lost him. Once he got the signal though Jim moved in again down the side that gave him the best view. This was totally not what he was accustomed or expecting to use his morning off on but he found he was rather enjoying it.

He slowed at that same point in the bend where he’d last seen Kevin, knowing he could be in any of the shops from now on. What was different this time though was now he could also just see Tyler doing the same from his end of the tunnel; the whole place bent enough to shorten it considerably as it stretched between the two streets.

This was perfect: now Kevin definitely couldn’t get away.

Through a series of gestures and nods the two communicated a plan to start moving in on Kevin, to the confusion of everyone else passing through the tunnel who could see them.

Jim started on this side, moving past the open-windowed café on his right with certainty Kevin wasn’t in there. Across was another clear view into a clothing shop so he moved on, making occasional glances down to Tyler’s end in case Kevin suddenly appeared there. He caught Tyler doing the same for him and nodded, continuing on.

He took some shops more slowly, daring to cross over to their windows and peer in where the interior was less visible. It was slow progress thanks to this, both he and Tyler having to wait and be the other one’s lookout while they were consumed peering in and in many cases unsettling or irritating the shopkeeper with their intensive window-browsing.

After a long 20 minutes they reached roughly the middle of the tunnel, entering talking-distance with each other finally.

“Think he got past us?” Jim asked, a little disturbed by their lack of success.

“Maybe. It’s not like we were always looking everywhere.” Tyler gave both directions a quick look. “He’d have to have lucky timing though.”

“Well, it’s Kevin; he’s always been unnaturally lu-”

Both Ladies stopped, hearing something that sounded like a cheap mobile phone playing the ‘doo doo-doo doo-doo’ part of ‘Walk on the Wild Side’ by Lou Reed. Jim and Tyler shared a look, then looked at what was between them. Jim saw a bin on his side, Tyler a large standing advertisement for cartons of liquid eggs – “Make an omelette without breaking any eggs!” – that looked as if there was no space between them. Walking closer though revealed just enough space for a slim keyboardist to be crouched and hidden, one that now knew he was found.

Kevin leapt out, aiming for Jim as the more important pursuer to disable. With his dirty tricks, Kevin aimed for the crotch but Jim hadn’t grown up with a little brother for nothing and knew the tactics of someone smaller and scrappier than him. Proving he was Andy’s replacement in more than one way, it was easy for Jim to dive on Kevin and get him into a headlock just like old times.

What Andy hadn’t done was bite though.

Tyler grabbed Kevin as Jim let go with a yelp, nursing a ring of pink Hearn-fang marks and potentially in need of a rabies shot now. Kevin and Tyler tussled for longer, Kevin proving too wriggly for Tyler to be able to get him into a Judo move, not that Tyler remembered many from his youth now, but neither could Kevin escape the tight grips keeping him constantly unsettled on his feet.

Jim dived back in, not letting himself be more than vaguely aware over fifty people must be watching them fight like five-year-olds in a schoolyard. With Tyler and Kevin already struggling and tossing like some horizontal bucking bronco it was hard to find anywhere to join in. One failed attempt nearly lost Tyler an eye for tonight’s show but the second time Jim managed to grab Kevin’s shirt by the collar and got some purchase around his neck. Something tangled around his hand – A loose thread? No, too thick – and he jerked on instinct, snapping whatever it was.

Kevin collapsed instantly, only saved from flat out hitting his head onto the hard, tiled floor by Tyler still having a decent grip on him. Tyler did fall down with him but at least it was a safe faint. “What did you do to him?!” Tyler yelled at Jim.

“What did _you_ do to him?!” Jim yelled back, taking ahold of Kevin again to shake him and then feel his face to check he was still breathing. Kevin gasped instantly back to life, resuming his tussle with Tyler as if the passing out hadn’t even happened. Down on the floor and with Jim having a firmer grip, it was easier to subdue Kevin this time. And then Jim noticed what was still wrapped around his hand.

“Get off! Get off, you fat bastard!” Kevin kicked and cussed beneath Tyler, earning him an arm wrenched behind his back to shut him up into a whimper.

“What the hell is wrong with you today, Kev?!”

While the two shouted and fruitlessly struggled, Jim looked at the necklace he had snapped from around Kevin’s neck that was wrapped round his hand. The pendant had changed: It had two bat wings now. He didn’t understand that but he did understand the odd pull it had to want to be close to Kevin and decided to re-tie the knot he’d snapped, slipping the whole thing back round Kevin’s neck. It stopped Kevin struggling at least, unaware what Jim had put around his neck and wanting to see.

“Come on, you,” Tyler hauled Kevin back to his feet, making sure Jim grabbed an arm too so they could start frogmarching him.

“Should I call the police?” Someone nearby, probably a shopkeeper, asked from the open doorway of her shop. Jim noticed, and tried to somehow ignore, the entire tunnel of people staring at them.

“No, don’t worry about it; we are the police,” Tyler lied effortlessly. “Just arresting a difficult suspect.” No one asked why they weren’t using handcuffs and the two Ladies didn’t stick around to give them the chance.

Once they were clear of the tunnel, “We’re not going to get in trouble for impersonating police officers, are we?” Jim asked as he glanced back.

“Eh, no one’s going to report us. Kevin looked like enough of a troublemaker they’ll think we were telling the truth,” Tyler said.

“I hate you two,” Kevin muttered petulantly in the middle, resigned to marching with them even if he didn’t like it.

“We hate you too,” Tyler assured him with the same lack of malice. “We’re taking you to Fin; thanks to you we’re all grounded now for the rest of the day.”

A sly smirk came over Kevin. “Then why are you obeying? We could all go off and have fun for the rest of the day, and you two could say it took you all day to track me down,” he suggested, eyeing first Jim and then Tyler.

Jim looked at Tyler too. “No, Ty. Come on, let’s listen to Fin.”

“Aw, you’re such a boy scout,” Kevin mocked Jim. “Always wanting to please momma Fin.”

Jim gave him a kick in the ankle. “I’m telling him you called him that.” He forced Kevin to walk a little faster, dragging him until Kevin protested his shoes were going to get damaged that way. “Good. You’d deserve it after all the running about the rest of us have had to do because of you today.”

Kevin pouted and sulked, but he did walk a bit faster as they headed back towards today’s venue.

-#-

Fin tapped his foot impatiently on the stage, watching the lighting rig being tested as other techies ran cables across the stage and started taping down the ones for Kevin’s keyboards. He felt like ripping the tape up and tossing out the keyboards with them after what a confusing mess Kevin had put them all through today, and he hadn’t even had to deal with most of it.

Now though, he finally heard the shout from Steve, “Hey, Fin, we got Kevin!” from off to his right.

And then he heard the shout from Tyler to his left, “I finally got Kevin, Fin!”

Fin looked from side-to-side as two pairs of Ladies each marched a Kevin onto either side of the stage, Ed and Steve holding the hands of one while Jim and Tyler frogmarched another a bit more forcefully.

All of the crew stopped to stare as the six Barenaked Ladies met in the centre of stage, stopping dead at what they saw opposite.


	7. Chapter 7

“What...? Why...? Why are there two Kevins?” Fin asked, looking between them.

“I think the question is more _how_ are there two Kevins?” Ed corrected, watching as the two Kevins stepped forward, all grips on them slack with disbelief, and started inspecting one another.

They did less of a _Duck Soup_ thing and more of a pet bird with a tiny mirror instead, leaning side-to-side to inspect each other with quick cocks of the head or little forward jabs. They looked as if they’d start pecking each other with their identical beak-noses soon but then stopped, seeming somehow content with things.

“...There’s two Kevins,” Fin said again, not finding any more sense in it a second time.

“That one’s wearing my shirt,” Jim pointed out about white-shirted Kevin, the first to find anything else to say about the situation. “Kevin- Uh, that one I guess,” He pointed at the black-shirted one, “told me he’d given it to laundry.”

“I thought you were talking about the one from last week when we tidied your shitstorm of untidiness up,” black-shirted Kevin said. Then he looked at the other Kevin. “What am I doing in your clothes?” he asked Jim, smirking suggestively.

“Wait, wait,” Ed held up his hands first, wanting to get one thing clear. “How long have you both been wearing those shirts?”

“Since I stained mine at breakfast and Tyler took me to get a new one,” white-shirted Kevin said.

“Since I got up,” black-shirted Kevin said.

“So all day?” was what Ed wanted to clarify. “So the Kevin that put porn in Steve’s books and then threw them in the road was...” Black-shirted Kevin smirked. “And the one Steve brought back to the hotel was...” White-shirted Kevin looked around, innocently pointing to himself. “Well, no wonder you’ve been everywhere at once today.”

“Guys,” Fin said, “I’d still like to know why exactly there are two Kevins in the first place, let alone what chaos they’ve gotten up to.”

No one knew, least of all the Kevins. “There was one of us when we went to sleep last night, wasn’t there?” black-shirted Kevin said.

“Sure. We were really happy about having a double bed to ourself.”

“Oh yeah. I guess it happened while we were asleep then.”

“When we had that dream about the giant scissors?”

Now Fin put a hand to his head as the two chattered on, far too quickly accustomed to both the situation and talking about themselves as both one and two people interchangeably. All he wanted to know was, “How did you split in two? Or double? What happened to you exactly?”

The two Kevins stopped, both thinking individually and then announcing in perfect sync, “We don’t know!”

Fin sighed, perhaps harder than he ever had about this band.

“I think I might know,” Jim said, surprising everyone more with what he said than how suddenly he said it. “That necklace you got last night; what did you do with it?”

The two Kevins thought, then said in sync again, “We were looking at it when we fell asleep. Then...” Both trailed off.

“You still have it on,” Jim said to the black-shirted one. “Or kind of. It looks different now.”

Black-shirted Kevin dug around inside his T-shirt collar, pulling out the necklace and pendant in his hand. White-shirted Kevin followed his lead, digging around inside Jim’s shirt and pulling out the same string necklace, but with a different pendant.

Black-shirted Kevin’s had two bat wings; white-shirted Kevin’s had two angel wings.

“His necklace split in two as well?” Steve asked.

“I think the necklace is what split _him_ in two,” Jim said. “I knew there was something weird about that thing the instant I saw it. When I pulled it off that Kevin earlier he completely passed out, then woke back up as soon as it touched him again.”

“Wait, when was that?” Ed asked.

“Uh, about 15 or 20 minutes ago?” Jim guessed. “It was just after his phone went off and we found him.”

“I phoned Kevin a while ago!” Steve realised. “Then, the reason our Kevin fainted was-”

“-because his twin fainted!” Ed completed, high-fiving with Steve at the deduction.

Fin still had a problem though. “A necklace – A _necklace_ – split Kevin in two?” Everyone looked at him, the two Kevins shrugging. “Whatever. I guess it doesn’t matter so long as we find a way to make them one again.”

“Why? I think I like this.” Bat-winged necklace boy put his away, examining his counterpart. “Now I see why we get all those fans; I’m really cute.”

Angel-Kevin giggled, slipping his necklace away too. He changed to a happy, “Ooh,” as Devil moved closer, sliding his hand up the side of Angel’s face and leaning in to examine his own face more closely from the outside. Then from the inside as well as he connected their identical mouths, pulling his mirror self into a make-out session.

Everyone on stage shared a side-eye with each other, wondering who would be the first to admit they were getting kind of aroused so everyone around them could object with disgust and pretend they weren’t.

Devil pulled back first, smirk curling up on one side as Angel giggled happily. “Not bad at all.”

“That was fun! Can we do more of that?”

“...Get these two apart!” Fin ordered, hoping if he yelled loud enough no one would notice him blushing. “Someone separate them!”

“You sure about that, Finley?” Devil said as Tyler stepped up to pull him back. “I thought you wanted us to be one again. What better way to make us one body again than to, well, _become one body_?” He raised his eyebrows suggestively in that way only Kevin could.

“Oh, hell no! There’s single-person doot bapping going on around here, let alone some weird two-person kind.” Fin dragged a hand down his face, as always his mind turning to one thing. “Do either of you two know how to make yourself one before the show tonight?”

Angel shook his head. Devil, “Well, I don’t see the harm in trying sex-”

“No clone-sex!”

“What’s ‘sex’?” Angel asked innocently and genuinely, looking to Steve holding him.

Steve looked away; he wasn’t looking forward to the day he had tell his own sons, let alone a 34-year-old Kevin who really ought to know. Then again, with how pleased Devil looked about the prospect of taking his own virginity, or whatever such a thing would be-

“Well, which one of you does the show tonight?” Fin asked. “And every night, if we can’t find a way to fix this.”

The two Kevins looked at each other, and shrugged.

“Do you both know how to play keyboards?” Fin checked.

Angel thought for a moment, then mimicked something fancy-looking with keys that weren’t under his fingers. Devil did the same, but his hands haltingly froze in the air like uncertain spiders instead of playing fancy chords.

“Perfect,” Fin said, pointing to Angel. “I was going to pick you anyway if you both knew.”

“Wait, this one got all the musical talent?” Ed asked dubiously, standing by Angel. “All it seems to be missing is knowledge of ‘sex’ and that’s hardly an equal trade.”

“I don’t know,” Jim said; “it’s all this one seems to think about.” He shot Devil a look.

“Hey, wanna be the filling in a Hearn sandwich tonight?” Devil flirted back, winking at Jim.

“I like that one better,” Jim decided, pointing at Angel. “Let’s give this one to Kevin’s fanclub; they’ll love him.”

Tyler had a thought. “If we did let them have sex and taped it, we could make so much money-”

“Not happening,” Fin told him. “Okay, we’ll make that one do the show tonight-”

“Wait,” Ed said again. Then he asked Angel, “What about other instruments? Do you know how to play guitar?”

Angel thought again, then started jumping about playing an unconvincing air guitar solo. Across the stage, smirking, Devil slid his hands through the air mimicking a ‘Pinch Me’ guitar solo perfectly even without the frets.

“Oh God, they each got half his instruments?!” Fin cried. “That’s it! Someone find a way to make them one again, even if it involves sex! We can’t have a Kevin-change between every song!”

“Why not?” Steve asked. “It’s not like anyone would notice.” He looked between the two identical faces.

“We all wear identical clothes anyway,” Ed added. “We’ll just get a second set in Kevin’s size.”

“Nuh-uh, these two are too much trouble to trust switching every time a song needs a different instrument.” Devil looked mock-offended, while Angel didn’t even understand what Fin could possibly mean. “Make them one again. That’s an order.”

As Fin stormed off to get double the painkillers he normally had to take managing this lot, “I guess we’re not grounded here then, if we’re allowed to do whatever it takes,” Devil said and started walking off.

“Oh no you don’t.” Tyler grabbed him and put him back in place. “Fin told us to solve you, not let you somehow split yourselves in four or something.”

“What are we, amoebas?” Devil objected.

“I don’t know, but this Kev’s as asexual as one.” Angel remained blankly innocent about what was being said about him. “Go back to last night again. Tell us precisely what happened.”

“We went to our room,” Angel started.  
“Lay on our bed luxuriating,” Devil continued.  
“Then we thought we ought to take our clothes off and get ready for bed.”  
“So after stripping all our clothes off, leaving us completely naked-”  
“I thought we still had our boxers on?” Angel questioned.  
“...Well, it is always better to keep them wanting,” Devil accepted. “Then we got into bed all alone, the cool, clean sheets sliding over our bare skin-”  
“And then we noticed the necklace had fallen out on top of the bed. It was really shiny, even though the room was dark. I think we fell asleep holding it.”

“You said you dreamt about scissors?” Ed asked.

“Yeah, a big pair was chasing us and cut us in two,” Angel answered, drifting closer to Devil to cling to him. Jim tried to keep them apart before that look in Devil’s eye became anything.

“What about when you woke up? How come you didn’t know about each other until now?”

Both Kevins thought about it. “I don’t know!” Angel eventually laughed. “I got out of bed nice and early and went to get breakfast like normal.”

“I thought I heard someone going in or out while I was still lying in bed,” Devil said. “That was you?”

“Why were you lying in bed? It was such a nice morning! I went for a walk!”

“Ugh. I preferred having my head under a pillow...”

“Well, I guess that solves that one,” Ed supposed.

“They’re both unobservant idiots,” Steve summarised. “So was it sleeping with the necklace then? If they’ve both had it on all day it can’t just be contact with it.”

“Splitting in two probably would be pretty stressful,” Ed agreed. “It probably would be safer to do whilst asleep. It’s no guarantee the same thing will also reverse it, but how do you two feel about a nap?”

“I’m not tired yet!” Angel bounced up and down on the spot.

“I could tire him out for you, if you know what I mean,” Devil offered, also far from looking tired since it was still only about 10:30am.

The other Ladies sighed or groaned. They were in for a wait then, unless, “You think knocking them out would have the same effect?” Tyler suggested.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh, come on! You wouldn't want to make out with your clone?


	8. Chapter 8

By 2 o’clock Angel was getting sleepy, sleepy enough for a nap at least. It was kind of hard to nap with all the other four band members standing around watching, but they distrusted Devil’s claims they could leave the other Kevin to him; “If we leave you two alone in a bed together, sleep will be the last thing you’ll let him do.”

“Aw, I’m not that cruel to myself,” Devil said, shuffling up closer to his other self until he was effectively spooning himself. “I just want to make him comfy.” Angel seemed glad for the warm body curled around behind him, even smiled as Devil began caressing his face tenderly again.

“I still say we knock ‘em out,” Tyler said. “Or that one at least,” He indicated Devil.

“Maybe we could take both the necklaces off them?” Jim suggested, thinking of how it had knocked them out cold. “Maybe switching the necklaces might fix it?”

“Kev said something about it helping you make up your mind when you’re in two minds or something, right?” Ed also suggested. “Maybe Kevin needs to make up his mind on something.”

“Maybe you all need to be quiet so we can get some sleep,” Devil suggested, now moving on to the sucking on his own earlobe stage. Angel was starting to giggle and get squirmy now, far from sleepy.

In the end, between the noise of various suggestions and not being given any privacy to comfortably sleep, they didn’t manage to get anything done before they had to be at the radio interview and soundcheck. Fin begrudgingly let Angel attend the interview just so Kevin wouldn’t be strangely absent. Instead his main issue with that was having to single-handedly babysit Devil out in the van – “It’s not just himself; he gets all _amorous_ with anyone you leave him with!” – and then police the both of them checking their instruments on stage and confusing their poor techie who now had two masters to answer to.

Between that, the interruption earlier when the two Kevins had first appeared and just bad luck in general, there was no time before the show for the Kevins to get any sleep or be fused back together.

“All right, fine,” Fin agreed. “We’ll switch them between songs. Can someone rearrange the setlist for tonight to make it a bit easier?”

As everyone ran about preparing things for two Kevins – The entire crew knew. It would be hard to have kept it hidden from them. Fin was counting on anyone outside of them hearing about it disbelieving something so weird outright. That or Kevin’s double from the ‘Too Little Too Late’ video having dropped by for a visit – they sat amongst the chaos happily together, still far too close for everyone else’s comfort.

“Isn’t it weird having another you around?” Tyler asked them in the dressing room.

The two Kevins looked at each other. “Not really,” they answered in sync. “He’s me.”

“Maybe it’s just a Kevin-thing,” Jim muttered to Tyler as he walked past, his own best explanation for this whole thing.

“What about their hair?” Ed asked more practically. “This one won’t neaten his,” He indicated Devil and his ‘horns’, “and this one won’t take that stupid headband off.” Angel gripped it in case someone tried to take his ‘halo’ off him again.

“Aw, let ‘em keep ‘em,” Steve said. “We won’t be able to tell them apart if they don’t.”

“But we’re all meant to be matching,” Ed complained. “We can’t all keep sweatbands in our pockets and put them on each time this one comes out. Can’t you take it off just for the show?” he asked Angel.

Angel looked uncomfortably nervous about it, “Can I put it in my pocket?”

“Of course.”

“...Okay,” but eventually agreed, removing it for now. That left them with a ‘normal’ Kevin and a horned Kevin.

“Going to try and tame me?” Devil flirted with, wrapping one of his fingers around a curl of hair.

“No, you just shut up and stay quiet on stage. We don’t need you ruining Kevin’s innocent image.”

Devil seemed to comply, but Ed planned to go tell the soundboard to turn Kevin’s mic off whenever Devil was on between songs anyway.

Once showtime came they seemed intensely loath to be parted – “Maybe it’s a sign they’re going to fuse back into one soon,” Jim suggested hopefully – but behaved better than anyone had expected. Two polarised facets of Kevin they may have been, but both seemed to have inherited Kevin’s dedication to music and putting on a good performance for the crowd each night. Even Devil proved himself capable enough of behaving that Ed felt kind of bad as he watched Devil frown over his apparently ‘faulty’ mic as he tried to add to a joke between songs.

The Kevins only had to switch a handful of times during the show thanks to the rearranged setlist. It involved a few extra dimming of the stage lights but since the Kevin waiting could grab whatever instrument he needed and take it on stage with him, it really became little different to a more disguised instrument change.

Well, aside from that point where Angel tripped over a keyboard lead on his way off stage, leaving him still sprawled there when the lights came back up until a quick-thinking Tiny hauled him off-stage into the wings.

Once the show was over, they lied Kevin’s way out of the Meet-and-Greet of and then there was nothing left but bed. Given they didn’t have the bunk space and maybe needed to be in the same bed, Fin was convinced to spring for another hotel night, to the band’s delight, and Kevin got a room for one again which the two disappeared into alone together, Devil telling the others not to wait up.

“...They’re going to do it, aren’t they?” Fin guessed.

“Best just not to think about it.” Ed patted him on the shoulder, encouraging Fin to walk away whilst dragging Tyler and his camera away from Kevin’s door.

-#-

Fin was wrapping on Kevin’s door at just gone 6:30am, as full of trepidation of a child at a very, very strange Christmas. “Kevin?” He knocked again, more urgently.

Eventually Kevin answered, leaning only his head around the slightly open door in a signal which obviously suggested the rest of him wasn’t currently suitable for public viewing. “Fin?” Kevin yawned after speaking.

“How many of you are there?” Fin asked desperately and quietly, glancing around the hotel corridor for other early risers.

Kevin frowned blinkingly, looking back into the rest of the room and then consulting something inside his head, “One. I have both sets of memories from yesterday, and I didn’t have that as each of them.”

“You remember that?” Fin didn’t need to say his relief; it was displayed on every inch of his face and frame.

“I remember everything.” Kevin yawned again, a bare shoulder on show as he leant over a little much. “It wasn’t that weird being two people, you know.”

Fin opened his mouth to say something but gave up with Kevin Hearn, leaving his door so they could both get a bit more sleep.

-#-

The one Kevin met the rest of the band again at breakfast, pulling out one chair for himself and giving them a look that conveyed he wouldn’t need a second.

“What happened?” Ed asked.

Kevin shrugged, starting on his breakfast of fruit and chocolate muffins. “We went to sleep. I woke up back together.”

“What did you dream about?” Jim asked curiously.

“Forget that,” Tyler said. “Did the two of you do it?”

As everyone booed and pretended to be disgusted Tyler had asked that, Kevin stayed quiet, aside from a, “That’s between me and myself,” that had him smirking devilishly again.

“What happened to the necklace?” Fin asked more practically. “I’ll plan our next tour to go by a volcano so we can throw that thing in after all this trouble it’s caused.”

Kevin dug it out of a pocket, not around his neck, and set it on the table. The little pendant man was back to having one wing of each. “You can have it if you like. It’s a pretty neat experience being two people for a day.”

“Yeah, no thanks.” Fin grabbed it to shove in his responsible adult’s pocket before the rest of the band made their grab for it. “And none of you are having it either. I don’t need this turning into the clone-zone.”

“We weren’t clones,” Kevin pointed out again redundantly. “And we dreamt about a giant glue stick, Jim, if you want to know,” he added, backtracking about half a dozen topics.

Jim looked curiously thoughtful, then pleased.

Ed was looking at Jim though. “Didn’t you try to get it from Kevin back when he first got it? Jeez, I’m not sure I want to imagine what would have happened if you’d slept with it.”

“Me?” Jim asked. “What would be wrong with two mes?”

“Well, Kevin’s always had a pretty obvious naughty and good half,” Kevin looked up with angelic innocence at Ed’s words, “but you’re even quieter; imagine what your dark side’s like.”

Everyone stared at Jim now, expressions a mixture of nervous and outright scared.

“Come on! I’m not that scary,” Jim objected.

“Just what a secret axe murderer would say,” Kevin joked, putting a strawberry to his lips and eating it without issue. “What? You were expecting me to drop it on my shirt again?” he asked, head cocked. His shirt was a multi-coloured abomination today, the less described the better.

His exposed neck though, “...Kevin,” Fin dared to fearfully ask, “is that a, um... You have a...” He trailed off again, only able to point at the crook of Kevin’s neck and the pink, crescent-shaped mark there.

The rest of the band looked, seeing something that was definitely a hickey. Considering the freshness and fact he definitely hadn’t spent time in bed with anyone but himself lately, “Oh my God,” Tyler could finally deliver the joke he’d been saving since he first saw both of them together yesterday; “he committed Kevincest!”


End file.
